Some days I dream about having a large family...but then reality sinks in.
I have so much to be thankful for so I really don't want to complain. However, I am still sad about not having another child. Baby Center is getting on my nerves as they continue to email me updates on my "newborn." Last April I would have given birth to my second child if I would not have had a miscarriage. This past June, I would have given birth to my second child if I had not had another miscarriage. Right now I would have been pregnant and due in December if I had not had my third miscarriage. So many of my friends and people I meet are pregnant with their second, third, and fourth child. It makes me sad when strangers ask when I'm going to have another baby. I'd love to have another child, but it's not that easy.
A few close friends have asked us if we're going to try again. There's always the fear of having another miscarriage since my perinatal specialist said there's no guarantee I won't have more miscarriages. I really have to leave it up to God and just trust that He'll give us another child if we're meant to have another one.
Last night my husband and I were talking. I told him I didn't understand how some of the most irresponsible people end up having lots of children, unplanned, but there are many women out there that would love to have a child or more children and may not be able to. He said fertility is not based on our actions. There's no such thing as "good women" get babies and "irresponsible women" don't have babies. That's pretty obvious. He had me listen to one of Casting Crown's songs, "Already There." We talked about how God's already sees how our life will unfold. We don't know what is next for us. When we first got married we never would have thought we would have lived overseas for 3.5 years or that I would have multiple miscarriages. But experiences like this change us and turn us into people God wants us to be. Here are the lyrics to "Already There." By the way, my husband is the best!
From where I’m standing
Lord, it’s so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You’re leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are going to play out
In a world I can’t control
When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
‘Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You’re already there
You’re already there
From where You’re standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture-perfect plan
When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
One day I’ll stand before You
And look back on the life I’ve lived
I can’t wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit
One day I’ll stand before You
And look back on the life I’ve lived
‘Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
‘Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You’re already there
You’re already there
I guess at the end of the line, we'll know what God's plan is for us. Again, I am so grateful and thankful for my precious son. There are many women who do not have any children and are trying to have one. I'm just trying to figure out God's plan for me and my family. If we're only going to be a family of three, I'm thankful for that. I have to let go of my jealousy and truly be happy for those around me. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's just hard.
