Last December

Last December was a very difficult month for me.  I experienced my 4th miscarriage.  Like every miscarriage I have had, it was hard.  However, for some reason this one really made me mad.  I became angry at God for allowing me to get pregnant, again, only to lose the baby and never see his or her sweet face.  This also brought back anger that God allowed my mother to pass away when I was a child.  Being angry at God was hard because I love God and didn't want to be made at Him.  However, I was and I knew He can handle it.  But still, it was hard to be so mad at the one I love the most.

I was 10 weeks along when I went in for my 5th sonogram.  The baby didn't have a heartbeat and it looked like the baby was shrinking in size.  The doctor suggested I rush in and have a D&C so that they could get a sample to test for reasons why I lost this baby.  She thought if I waited I could start miscarrying on my own and we wouldn't get the sample we needed.  This was a tough decision since Christmas was around the corner and I was volunteering at Blue Rock's school the following week and with a D&C you can't do anything for 24-48 hours such as drive or see (my vision was very blurry the next day).  My appointment was in the morning and my doctor said she could do it that afternoon.  I had to go without food for 6-8 hours.  So I walked across the parking lot to the hospital.

I was literally crushed.  I love children and had always thought I would have 2-4 of my own.  My husband was with me and my parents had Blue Rock.  They thought they were only watching him for a few hours while I went to my doctor's appointment.  I called and told them what happened and they brought him up to the hospital to see me before I went in for the procedure.  God was watching over me because one of my good friends who is a nurse anesthetist, was working that day in the hospital I was at.  I texted her and was able to request her to do my anesthesia.  I was so blessed that she was there with me.  I trust her with my life and there's nobody else I'd want to put me under but her.  But still, I had lost my baby, another baby and was extremely sad.

In February, I called to find out what the results were from the D&C.  Unfortunately, the doctor did not give the lab a good sample and so we found out nothing.  The whole reason for me to have this procedure was a waste.  I do not like surgeries, I do not like being put under, I'm a pretty big advocate for natural childbirth for myself, and again became very angry.  I most likely would not have had this procedure done that day if I knew we would find out nothing.  Not only is it very experience, around $8000, but I felt it was unnecessary that early on.  I will say, I don't like miscarrying naturally either.  The other three I did that and had to "catch" part of the baby to give to my doctor in Germany.  I knew I also didn't want to do that.  However, I would have liked more time to think and pray about it.

I went on a ladies retreat at church the first weekend of March.  On the retreat I finally was able to let my anger at God go.  I can again truly rejoice in Him.  The months following this last miscarriage I really tried to be thankful for what I do have.  I have an incredible husband and amazing son.  I may not have a large SUV full of kids of my own but what I do have is very special.  I have great friends and extended family.  It's not always what I would hope for but I know they love me.  I know that God loves me.  As angry as I was at God, I subconsciously thought he was angry at me.  I thought it was cruel to allow me to get pregnant only to lose the babies.  While I still don't know why I was born this way, I am truly grateful for Blue Rock.  Blue Rock was my first pregnancy and I didn't have any trouble with him.  I am so thankful that while I was in a new country I had a normal pregnancy with my son.  I could truly be excited about being pregnant and joyful as I planned for his arrival.  Now I get anxious and fearful of losing the babies.  I, however, am changing.  My purpose may or may not be to have a pew full of children.  But I do know that I have a purpose and that God is generous to me.  Therefore, again I can rejoice in our Creator and be happy even in my sorrows.  

If you have experienced a loss of anytime, I hope that you can find peace in it.  One of the biggest things that has helped me was to think about my blessings.  I would encourage you to do that as well.  Stop comparing your life with others but be truly glad for what you have.  Because I guarantee, someone out there is wishing they had something that you have.  Try not to compare, I'm not saying that, I'm only trying to encourage you to find some peace and joy in your current life.  You never know what your life will be like in 5 or 10 years from now.  I may still only have one child, if so, I am so grateful for him.  God may bless me with another child, either naturally or through adoption.  Whatever the case may be, I am going to rejoice in the Lord always and seek His will for my life.

James 1:2-4 (NIV)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Having an Only Child

A dear friend of mine and I were talking last week.  She asked if we were going to try to have anymore kids.  I told her I wasn't sure and that maybe God only wants me to have one.  She said, "but you're such a good mom!"  I looked at her and thought about it and replied, "I don't think being a good mom has anything to do with how many children you have." 

I know my friend loves me and cares deeply about me and she was truly only trying to encourage me.  So please know, this is in no way an attack toward her.  I just feel like I need to speak out. 

I'm not here to judge anyone because children are true blessings from God.  However, I have seen a number of people who have more than one child and could honestly careless about any of their children.  Thankfully, I know more people personally who are wonderful parents with one or more children.  My main point is I don't believe good parenting skills equals a bounty of children.  I know my friend meant well and her comment was meant as a compliment, which I appreciate.  I just want to speak out for those of us who would love more children but for one reason or another it may not be possible.

I have been pregnant 5 times.  I have one beautiful and precious son.  The other four babies I miscarried.  God created me in his image and with several health situations I cannot control. I was born with these things and if you follow my blog, you will have read about these.  I'm still waiting on God's timing to post about my last miscarriage in December.

What about adoption or fostering?  My husband and I have talked for years about adopting and/or fostering a child.  Early on in our marriage we had said if we were unable to have any kids then we'd adopt.  I still love the idea of adopting and taking in a child who doesn't have anyone to be my own.  However, adoption in American is incredibly expensive.  We are a one income family.  I love my job, staying home and raising my child.  We are unable to afford to adopt an infant at this time.  Also, recently, I've been praying and reflecting on what a friend cautioned me about a few weeks ago.  What about fostering?  I admire people who foster children and am still considering it.

My question for others, why do so many people see having only one child as a problem?  I have been guilty of this in the past.  So again, no judgements made to anyone else.  Recently, I spoke with some friends who gave birth to one child and adopted two kids.  The wife told me if my main goal of adopting was so that my son would have siblings, don't do it.  Ouch!  What would my main reason for adopting be?  A big part of it would be so that my son would have a sibling.  Why would this not be a good idea?  She said because there is no guarantee that they will bond as siblings.  Her natural born child, for example, never felt like he really had siblings.  It was like raising two families under one roof.  Think about how many step-siblings relate to one another.  They are "siblings" but many lack the sibling connection. Of course I also wonder if the same thing happens among blood-related siblings.  I've seen it happen where siblings don't get along and grow up not talking to each other.

I'll ask again, why do so many feel that having one child is not enough?  There are actually a number of benefits to having only one.  I've only been able to recently be okay with the possibility of having only one child.  Therefore, I've been looking for the positives, which are many.  There are numerous blessings to having more than one as well.  Hopefully this will encourage other parents who have one child by choice or that's all they've been blessed with, appreciate having just one.

- It's easier to do things and go places.  I won't lie, when I need to go somewhere I only have one to get ready and out the door.  Not saying I'm immune to the melt-downs or protests of getting out the door.

- Having one child is less expensive.  I only have to feed one, cloth one, and educate one. 

- There's more one-on-one time.  There are many days when I wished my son had a sibling to play.  Then I remember, life passes quickly and I should treasure these moments.  I can spend more time with my one child than I could if I have to split my time between several.

- Only children are just as outgoing or shy as children with siblings.  Ask any mother of multiples and she's sure to have at least one shy or outgoing child.

- When a virus hits our house, we don't have to worry about other children catching it.

- Only child tend to be ahead academically in school. I think the main reason behind this is because of all the one-on-one adult time only children get.  This is not to say that children with siblings are not as bright as only children, this was just a study I read.

There are many other wonderful benefits of having only one child.  These are just some that really stuck out to me as a mother of one.  If you're a parent of only one child, what are some positives that you see?

Prayer Request

Matthew 19:26: Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

I am pregnant.  I am now 9 weeks along.  As you can see from the picture above, taken this past week, my baby is continuing to grow next to the placenta.  The placenta is the circle and the bean is my baby.  For those of you that know me, I am high risk.  This is my 5th pregnancy since Blue Rock was born.  Blue Rock is a true gift from God as I had no problems with him and only took a prenatal vitamin.  Since then I have discovered I have lots of different things going on not in my favor.  The only thing in my favor is that I can get pregnant, which being low on progesterone is apparently pretty amazing.  Thankfully during pregnancy I can take supplements for that, also meds for the blood clotting disorder I have, and folic acid supplements.  The biggest challenge my body faces is that I have a lovely genetic disorder called a Balanced Translocation.  Only about 1% of the population have this.  My chromosome 6 and 10 are switched.  This only causes problems when trying to having a baby.  The specialist told me last spring that every pregnancy I have I have a 50/50 chance of having a successful pregnancy.  A few weeks ago she said I have less than a 50/50 chance of having a successful pregnancy.  But I know with God all things are possible.

I have had 4 sonograms so far.  I have gone to the doctor once a week since I was 4 weeks pregnant.  It gets tiring.  On the positive, the baby is growing and we see this every week.  He/she has been measuring a little over a week behind since the beginning, so this isn't new.  The positive is that every week he/she is continuing to grow.  The concern is that they still have been unable to detect a heartbeat.  After my perinatologist appointment two weeks ago, that doctor told me if my Hgc levels were not rising then we should schedule a D&C since there was no heartbeat.  Well, guess what Doctor?  My Hgc levels are still rising.  They rose over 20,000 in those two days and the baby is still growing.  When I saw my doctor last week, she said we should talk about my options if there was still no heartbeat.  I went to get a sonogram and sadly there still is no heartbeat, however, the baby is still growing.  How is this possible?  I don't know but I will say, God has a plan.  The sonographer told me on Wednesday that this is when she really hates her job.  She doesn't have much hope.  I'm honestly sometimes struggling with hope.  However, the other night when I was getting ready for bed Matthew 19:26 came to mind, "with God all things are possible."  We have a lot of people praying for us and I ask for prayers from you too.  God can perform a miracle.  My baby's heart could be beating right now.  The only thing I know is that God is the Master Physician.  Please pray that God breathes life into my child.  That next week the medical community is amazed.  To give hope to others that may be too quick to make a decision to end a pregnancy.  This is a great website with lots of wonderful stories about babies born to women who were told that their baby would not make it. http://www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com/

Please pray what you feel your heart leads you to pray.  My family would love to welcome this baby into our arms next July.  I know God can give us this child.  I also know God's will is sometimes different than ours.  Please pray for this child and peace for my family.  I go back to get another sonogram next Thursday.  I would LOVE to hear a heartbeat and to see the faces of the sonographer and doctors.  I know this is possible.  We know the baby is there and is still growing!  Not all babies grow by the book.  I told the nurse Thursday when she asked me what I wanted to do, I said, "I have a lot of people praying for this baby and I want to have another sonogram next week.  How can God work a miracle if I end the opportunity for Him to do so."  She said, "that sounds like a good choice.  Let's schedule you for another sonogram next week."  With God ALL things are possible!  Thank you for your prayers.

Adjusting to Life in the States

We have been back in the States for about 9 months now.  They say when you move overseas it takes about 6 months to adjust, sometimes it can take up to a year.  I believe that is true whether you are moving to a foreign country or moving back to your own.  Things change when you're gone, people change.  For better or worse, relationships change.   

When we were in Germany and I thought about how my life would be when we returned to Texas, it was different than my life really is.  I thought we would live near where we used to live, go to the same church we used to go to, and hang out with the same friends we used to hang out with.  Thankfully, we still see some of our old friends occasionally, but we live 45 minutes to an hour away from most of them.  Not only that but we have all changed some.  Most of us are now parents.  I returned to the States as a mom, and a stay-at-home mother at that.  In Germany all of my friends who had children stayed home with their children or worked a part time job from home.  Here many of my "old" friends work full time or part time away from home. Several of them are not married or do not have children.  Which is fine, I love people who are in all stages and walks of life.

I am a people person.  The title, stay-at-home mom is very deceiving.  I honestly don't know any stay-at-home mom who really stays at home most of the time unless she has a newborn and is recovering from childbirth or has a sick child.  Most stay-at-home mamas are very active, we take our children places, we volunteer in our communities, we look for fun things to do and enjoy our children.  A bonus for getting out of the house is, if you're not home, nothing in your house will be destroyed and you might even come home to a clean house. 

Thankfully I live in a big city so there is plenty to do and people to meet.  I have joined a new church, which was very, very difficult.  We love our friends from our old church.  However, we no longer live on that side of town.  We tried for over 3 months driving 40 minutes each way on Sunday to church before we finally realized it was too far to commute with a young child.  Thankfully Blue Rock has adjusted well to our new church which is 7 minutes away where he also attends preschool.  I also joined a local Mom's Club and a MOPS group.  

We also bought annual zoo passes and museum passes.  One thing that kind of surprised me has been that I've become better friends with some people I used to know that I wasn't as close to when we lived here before.  Others whom I thought I would hang out with all the time we don't.

I'm sharing all of this to say that we are adjusting well.  There are things we miss about Germany and things we are loving about being home in our country.  A few things that I have noticed that have changed since we were gone are: higher prices in food, more people seem to be unemployed, and a strain in the medical field. Those are just a few things I've noticed.  

There are days, however, that I really miss parts of my life in Germany.  I miss the friendships, Bible studies, beauty, neighbors, and traveling.  I know Blue Rock does too.  I thought at 2.5 he would adjust really easily to moving but it has been hard on him.  Now he's almost 3.5 and he still talks about Germany sometimes, his friends, our old his, his old room, and the parks.  I felt very safe in Germany and loved how I could walk down the street to two different parks in about 2-3 minutes.  But like I said, life is good, adjusting is hard, but we are doing good.  I love our new house and I am enjoying getting to see old friends and meeting new ones.  We have also enjoyed going to new places.

Strong wind!

Friday night we got a lot of wind at our house.  My husband and I went on a date and when we came home we saw this. 

The wind was so strong it picked up our trampoline from our backyard and cleared it over our 6 ft. privacy fence into our front yard!  I didn't think this was possible.  It flew quite a distance!

I'm so thankful our trampoline didn't tear down our fence, hurt anyone, or cause any damage.  We were very lucky.  Blue Rock thought it was neat seeing his beloved trampoline in the front yard the next morning.

Baby Thoughts

Some days I dream about having a large family...but then reality sinks in.

I have so much to be thankful for so I really don't want to complain.  However, I am still sad about not having another child.  Baby Center is getting on my nerves as they continue to email me updates on my "newborn."  Last April I would have given birth to my second child if I would not have had a miscarriage.  This past June, I would have given birth to my second child if I had not had another miscarriage.  Right now I would have been pregnant and due in December if I had not had my third miscarriage.  So many of my friends and people I meet are pregnant with their second, third, and fourth child.  It makes me sad when strangers ask when I'm going to have another baby.  I'd love to have another child, but it's not that easy.

A few close friends have asked us if we're going to try again.  There's always the fear of having another miscarriage since my perinatal specialist said there's no guarantee I won't have more miscarriages.  I really have to leave it up to God and just trust that He'll give us another child if we're meant to have another one.

Last night my husband and I were talking.  I told him I didn't understand how some of the most irresponsible people end up having lots of children, unplanned, but there are many women out there that would love to have a child or more children and may not be able to.  He said fertility is not based on our actions.  There's no such thing as "good women" get babies and "irresponsible women" don't have babies.  That's pretty obvious.  He had me listen to one of Casting Crown's songs, "Already There."  We talked about how God's already sees how our life will unfold.  We don't know what is next for us.  When we first got married we never would have thought we would have lived overseas for 3.5 years or that I would have multiple miscarriages.  But experiences like this change us and turn us into people God wants us to be.  Here are the lyrics to "Already There."  By the way, my husband is the best!

From where I’m standing
Lord, it’s so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You’re leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are going to play out
In a world I can’t control

When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

‘Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You’re already there
You’re already there

From where You’re standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture-perfect plan

When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

One day I’ll stand before You
And look back on the life I’ve lived
I can’t wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit

One day I’ll stand before You
And look back on the life I’ve lived
‘Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
‘Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You’re already there
You’re already there

I guess at the end of the line, we'll know what God's plan is for us.  Again, I am so grateful and thankful for my precious son.  There are many women who do not have any children and are trying to have one.  I'm just trying to figure out God's plan for me and my family.  If we're only going to be a family of three, I'm thankful for that.  I have to let go of my jealousy and truly be happy for those around me.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's just hard.

Birthday Party Traditions

Blue Rock just turned 3!  These past three years have been truly life-changing and amazing.  I love being a mom and I love my son!  Now that we're back in the States and he's getting a little older, I wanted to start having birthday traditions that will make his birthday really stand out from the other days of the year.  Here is what we did.

I stole this first one from a friend.  The night before I cut out number 3s from construction paper in various "boy" colors.  My husband and I hung them from the ceiling while he was asleep.  When he woke up he saw all these 3s hanging from the ceiling and loved it.

Mom, look at all the 3s!

 

I also blew up a bunch of balloons and put them all over his floor.  He loves balloons and thought this was really cool.

Lots of balloons!  I love them!

Husband and I hung streamers from his bedroom door while he was sleeping.  Blue Rock loved running through the streamers in the morning.  Next year we'll probably make it where he has to tear through them.  I just wasn't sure if he'd like them or not and I didn't want him waking up and possibly being scared or thinking he was trapped in his room.

Tons of fun! He ran through the streamers a bunch before starting to tear them down.

I bought a helium machine ($20 at Walmart).  In the morning I blew up a few dozen balloons and let them fly to the ceiling throughout our house, including his room. We took a lot of them to his party.

Will I fly away?

More balloons

We also hung a Happy Birthday banner, I made pancakes for breakfast, and we threw him a nice party at Chuck E. Cheese's.  Overall he had a wonderful birthday and enjoyed all the extra special touches we did.

A special treat, breakfast with Daddy

Happy birthday to my amazing, handsome, and smart son!  I thank God everyday for you.  Dad and I are truly blessed to have you in our family.  We love you!

Birthday party

New SUV!

My husband and I tend to both research things to death, especially when a lot of money is involved. We have worked very hard to be basically debt free except for our houses and we love to eat out and take vacations. However, when we moved back to the States we needed another vehicle. My husband 's parents have graciously let us borrow one of their cars until we bought a house and bought a car. Thank you Mom and Dad! But the time has come to make a decision and return theirs.

Here's how the process went:

We considered a larger SUV or minivan or getting a super gas efficient car mainly for my husband. However, after having my third miscarriage, I don't have as much hope for having the large family I always thought I would. So given that, I didn't want to drive a huge gas guzzler around with only having one child. Although having a third row would be nice it was not necessary. A must was rear air conditioning and we decided that with hot Texas summers, getting the vehicle with rear a/c was a good move. We looked at the Acura MDX's. We loved them! Sadly, new they cost 50K. Yeah, that was way out of our budget! We looked at about 6 used ones, all ran good but had a lot of miles on them. We drive about 10K miles per year per vehicle. So buying a six year old car with over 100K miles wasn't appealing. We wanted to pay cash for something but around the 8K mark our choices were limited. As we moved up in price the vehicle choices increased. However, we just couldn't justify paying 16K for a vehicle with 120K miles on it (a fully loaded 2006 MDX). So we decided to buy new since we haven't had a car payment in two years (when we bought our new Subaru we paid it off in 2 years) and we paid cash for my husband 's car in Germany and sold it for $300 less than we paid for it 3 years before.

I contacted probably 20 car dealers comparing deals. Finally, Sunday night, I saw an internet special ad for a new 2012 Ford Edge and 2013 Explorer. I emailed Sunday night and followed up Monday morning. The Explorer had been sold but the Edge was still there. He said but they only had one at that price. I played tough girl and told them I was driving across town and if it sold to call me asap because I didn't want to waste my time driving there if that vehicle for that price was not available. Dealers have played that game with me too many times and I've walked away angry. Needless to say, he put the keys on his desk and when I got there only one other family had driven it that morning. I drove it and then bought it. The dealer said we got such a good deal on it and our credit is so good they could have written us a check. We got over $5500 off MSRP and $2299 below Consumer Reports bottom line. It would have been $750 more off but I didn't have a trade-in. I knew it was an awesome deal when I saw the ad.  The internet sales guy said they have specials about once a month where they lose money to draw people in. He said his dealership literally lost money on this deal.  However, only people with really good credit get the truly good deal because dealers will make it up with long drawn on, high interest payments. We loath car payments but decided at this time it's worth doing considering the poor used car market and having excellent credit we got the best interest rate possible. It was strange buying a car alone but I like playing hard ball. The dealers even let me drive it off the lot before my husband could get off work to sign off on his part of the deal.

Here's our new beauty! It's dark blue with tan interior. I love the peppiness of the Edge over larger SUVs such as the Explorer. Although the Explorers are very nice too!  I also love the entertainment system and being able to drive hands-free.  Thank you, husband, for my new ride!!

We bought a house!

We closed on our house last week.  Friday, the movers came with our household goods from Germany and we got to spend our first night here. Blue Rock woke up happy for about the first time since arriving in Texas. He woke up in his new room with some of his toys and did not want to leave!! We will not have a refrigerator until tomorrow, so we have been going out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We had a difficult time getting him out the door to eat breakfast, which is one of his favorite meals of the day! Needless to say, we all love our new house! Our furniture and everything fits beautifully. Once we get internet set up and finish organizing and unpacking, I'll post pictures.  Until then, I'll leave you with the first picture of me cooking in our new house.  Since we're lacking a fridge, I just cooked up some pasta for dinner.  We are so tired of eating out.  I love my kitchen and look forward to making lots of yummy food here and doing lots of fun projects with Blue Rock.

My car is shipped!

This morning we went to ship my car overseas.  While it's not actually on the vessel yet, it is now out of our hands.  When shipping a vehicle back to the States it has to be in perfect condition.  Thankfully we don't eat in our cars and we don't have pets.  But still, it rains a lot in Germany so we had plenty of dirt to on the mats to get up.  They told me the estimated date of arrival will be Feb. 27th!  Boy that's a long time.  We are hoping to get it before then but most likely we won't.  We delivered it just in time too, because not too long after handing it over it started hailing on us.

There is so much to do when getting ready to move overseas.  I felt rushed when we made the move over here 3.5 years ago.  Of course I had to quit a job and try and sell our house.  Back then it was just my husband and I so that made things a little easier.  Now I have a very busy 2.5 year old who loves to get into everything.  Thankfully some of our friends offered to watch Blue Rock the first day the packers are coming.  Now we just need to find someone for the following two days.  Meanwhile I am going to continue selling items and deciding what to ship in unaccompanied baggage.

Welcome 2012!

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year!  We spent the evening with our next door neighbors.  Blue Rock went to bed at 7:30pm and we hung out with our neighbors after he went to sleep.  Around 7pm we shot off fireworks for him so he could see them before bed.  Again, we were amazed he slept through the midnight new year's celebration.  Germans put on a great new year's show.  Sadly, someone in our neighborhood seemed to want to shoot something off every hour on the hour.  So at 4am, it woke Blue Rock.  My husband and I feel asleep around 2am so this was not a happy surprise.  We ended up bringing him to our room.

I know some of you receive updates via email.  I wanted you to know that my domain name expired.  I'm trying to buy it back.  Sadly, someone I don't know bought it after it expired.  In the meantime, you can visit my blog here - www.ladyexpatblog.blogspot.com.

May this year be one of the best years there is!  2011 was a good year but we had our challenges and lots of losses.  May you and your family have lots of love and prosperity in 2012.

I have Hashimoto's Disease

I had a follow-up appointment with an internal medicine doctor today.  He's head of his department and a very good doctor.  He told me I have Hashimoto's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease where my immune system attacks and eventually kills my thyroid.  Thankfully, I do not have Lupus.  As far being borderline on the anti-cardiolipin tests, he is running that again and is checking my T3 and T4 levels, doing a complete blood count, checking protein levels in the urine, and a few other tests including an ultra sound of my thyroid.  I go back to see him in January.

I'm still trying to take this all in.  I honestly didn't even know where my thyroid was until this past weekend.  I'm not very medical savvy to say the least.  Your thyroid is below your Adam's apple.  Thankfully, if this disease kills my thyroid and it no longer functions, I can be on thyroid replacement medicine to keep my body functioning.  That's the good news.  The bad news is that every 6 months I need to go and have my thyroid levels checked or if I start having certain symptoms such as fatigue, hair loss, weight gain, and insomnia.  I already battle insomnia and fatigue quite a bit which is not surprising.  When you can't sleep you tend to be more fatigued.

I'm praying now that my anti-cardiolipin levels turn out normal.  If they are not, then there's a good chance I have a blood clotting disorder as well.  There are several names for this: Hughes Syndrome, Sticky Blood, and Antiphospholipid Syndrome - APS.  Sadly, I have a few of the main symptoms of this disease - multiple miscarriages and headaches/migraines.

The cause of my miscarriages could be from a few things: thyroid problems, APS, or possible bad luck.  Thyroid problems can cause miscarriages and sometimes thyroid problems occur in women after they have their first child.  Since we now know I have a thyroid problem and have had two miscarriages, my doctor recommended that I see the following specialists: Endocrinologist (for future problems, I need to go ahead and find one), Maternal Fetal Specialist (for any future pregnancies), and continue to see an internal medicine doctor.  

I'm also wondering how many women who develop PUPPPs during pregnancy or after giving birth have an autoimmune disorder.

If you know anything about Hashimoto's Disease or any other thyroid problems or blood clotting disorders, please let me know how you're coping with it.  I hope you all have a blessed day.

Why I'm Having Miscarriages

Having a miscarriage is devastating.  It's really frustrating how many doctors want to wait until a woman has 3 miscarriages before they do anything.  My advice is find a doctor who will help you.  While it sadly may be more common than what people realize and there often is no explained reason, there still is a chance that you may have something wrong with you and it's fixable under a doctor's care.  In my opinion, it is better to find out earlier than later.  If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know the sinking feeling you feel after you find out that your baby is not going to make it.  And it's really simple to find out if something is wrong, whether it's a hormone imbalance, thyroid problem, or another disorder.  You simply have blood drawn, it goes to the lab and then you know.  Not very difficult which is why it's aggravating that so many doctors insist that you wait for 3 miscarriages before they do this.  Also, sometimes there really is nothing wrong.  But if there is, it's nice to know so something can be done.  Isn't this what modern medicine is all about?  Thankfully I found out why I'm having miscarriages.

Once I had my second miscarriage, I asked my German doctor to test my levels including my progestrone levels.  A doctor in the States suggested I get those levels checked.  She agreed to check my hormone levels and told me to come in and have blood drawn between day 2-5 of my next period and then 21 days after it started to get the best results.  She said she would check since I had my son with virtually no problems and now have lost two babies.  The nurse took a total of 3 vials of blood.  She also had me see a specialist about a fibroid that has appeared since being pregnant with my son to see if that could be the reason for the miscarriages.

I also called to make an appointment with an American gynecologist.  When I went in to see him, he said typically in the U.S. they wait until miscarriage number 3.  I begged him to run some tests and said someone suggested I get my thyroid levels checked and my hormone levels.  He said he would do it but I needed to fast the night before (no food after midnight) and come in on Day 21 of my last period.  When I went to the lab, they took 10 vials of blood!  

This is what I found out.  The American doctor called Friday and said he discovered why I'm having miscarriages.  He said I have thyroiditis, which means my thyroid levels are very elevated.  I'm also borderline for having cardiolipid which an autoimmune disorder.  He is referring me an internal medicine doctor where I will need to get a little more testing done.  Sadly he cannot help me beyond this but thankfully a specialist can.  

My German doctor gave me good news that my hormone levels are normal.  She has told me before that I am healthy and she didn't see any reason why I could not have more healthy children.  She did NOT check my thyroid levels or for autoimmune disorders.  But she has done ultrasounds and did check my ovaries after both miscarriages.

I want to thank one of my blog readers for her advice to get my thyroid levels checked after having my second miscarriage. She suggested this and after doing some research, it seemed like many doctors don't check this.  If you have had a miscarriage, I am sorry.  But there is hope.  Maybe there is nothing wrong, but then again, there could be.  Ask your doctor to please check your hormone levels and thyroid levels.

Once I see an internal medicine doctor, I will let you know what the next step is.  One thing I have read is that most likely I will need to take a baby aspirin next pregnancy to help my blood from clotting.  Most likely I will also need to take some kind of thyroid medicine.  Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.

St. Nikolaus Day in Germany

Christmas in Germany is a lot of fun.  There are so many traditions and activities to do during the month of December.  On December 6th, Germans celebrate St. Nikolaus Tag (St. Nicholas Day).  The night before, children leave their boot outside the front door or outside their bedroom door.  While they are asleep, St. Nikolaus comes and leaves goodies in their boot if they were good.  If they have been bad they he leaves sticks.

Blue Rock left his rain boots out.  Thankfully he has been very good so he got a few goodies in each boot.

What's in my boot?

It's Gummy Bears!

Emptying the boot is fun!

Fun bendable track to go with my train set!

Our Town's Christmas Market

You can see the rain falling

This past weekend we got a lot of rain.  Friday evening I volunteered at an event called Holiday Magic, where my MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) group sold soup, bread, and gently used children's clothes. Santa Claus comes to this event, children from the schools sing Christmas songs, and different organizations set up booths to raise money.  It was raining and I had Blue Rock with me so I didn't take any pictures at Holiday Magic.

This weekend was also our town's Christmas market.  We went with our next door neighbors last year and we decided to go again with them this year.  We truly are super blessed to have such fantastic neighbors on both sides of us.  I brought my camera with me to this market and took pictures, even though it was still raining.

Our neighbors made pork sandwiches and European beans (kind of like baked beans but not really sweet) for dinner.  Then we walked downtown to the market with them.  Thankfully Saturday night it was just sprinkling.  Sunday, when Santa was suppose to be there, it was pouring rain.  So we didn't even attempt to go back to the market.  One difference between Germany and say Texas is, typically things you do in your town you walk to.  There is limited parking downtown and it's really only about a 5 minute walk.  Even though Santa was going to be inside the concert hall, we decided not to go.  Santa doesn't bring that much to our house but he is coming for St. Nikolaus Tag (St. Nicholas Day) tonight.  We'll put out a boot and see what he brings Blue Rock.  If you want to participate, leave your child's boot outside the door tonight and he will leave a treat, usually something sweet, in the boot if they have been good.  If they have not been good, he will leave twigs.

Here are a few pictures from our town's Christmas market.

Blue Rock enjoying the swing ride

My cute husband standing with our neighbors cheering Blue Rock on as he flies by on the swing

Me and our town's lovely Christmas tree

Jana and I enjoying a hot drink

Mannheim Christmas Market

Christmas in Germany is really nice.  There are a lot of Christmas markets.  After the visit to the specialist in Mannheim the other day, we went to our first Christmas Market this year.  Mannheim is a large city and their Christmas market takes place downtown next to the water tower.  It was a really nice Christmas market with lots of vendors, rides for the children, and food to eat.  We're going to try and go to several Christmas markets this year and I'll post more pictures as the Christmas season continues.

Beautiful water tower in Mannheim

Daddy showing Blue Rock his hat

Lots of people and lots of vendors

One of the toy vendors

Lots of stands to look at

Look at that sad face!

Riding the ICE train ride

Candy vendor

This time our family rode the carousel together

Mannheim Christmas Market

3-Day Potty Training

Well, we're finally really potty training.  I thought I would write about it since I have not found too many personal stories about how people have potty trained their kids.  Just how to do it, not how it went.  So here it is.  I will give another update later on.

About 3 months ago, Blue Rock was very close to being potty trained.  Then we went to the States.  After we found out why he was throwing-up, along with having to be on iron supplements, we decided to wait until we were back home, he was almost off iron (which causes black sticky poo), and we were not traveling anywhere before we got serious.  He used to wear cloth diapers until he got sick last year and was throwing up almost daily.  It got to be too much laundry so we went back to disposables.  Cloth is great if you have the time and a good washing machine.

We started the 3-day potty training method on Thanksgiving (6 days ago).  We had to make a few errands so we put him in a pull-up on Thursday and Friday.  Friday was the last day he wore a pull-up during the day.  Blue Rock used the potty out in public both days but had one accident in the pull-up.  At home, he has been bare-bottomed and is doing great!  When he's bare-bottomed he has had no accidents and makes it to the potty every time, even poop, which I was surprised and very happy about.  Yesterday we went to the grocery store and I put underwear and pants on him - I was so tempted to put a pull-up on him, but resisted.  He went potty before we left and had no accidents and I took him twice to the toilet at the store but he didn't need to go and told me he didn't need to go but I wanted him to try.  After we loaded the groceries in the car I asked him again if he needed to go.  He said, "no."  So we drove home and when we got home I took him to the bathroom and he went.  Yeah!  A little while later we went to the park.  He played for about 20 minutes and we came home, again no accidents.  I left his pants and underwear on and he didn't make it to the potty in time.  I read that they should be diaper free at home for 3 months.  That seems like a LONG time!  

Today I started the morning with just his pajama pants on, wanting him to get used to pants since he's doing so well at going to the potty.  He went to the potty twice but then didn't make it in time.  I tried putting underwear on him and he said, "no underwear.  No, no, no!"  So I decided to let him be bare-bottomed again.  Later this afternoon I put just underwear on him even though he didn't want to wear it.  While he was playing he peed in them.  The rest of the day he was bare-bottom and went every time in the potty.  The only time pee got on the floor was when I tripped over the potty trying to get a Kleenex to catch a drip of pee on his leg as he got off the potty.  I made a huge mess!  Pee went everywhere, including the couch which is such a shame since he's been doing so good, no accidents on the furniture, just from me.  I think we're going to rent a carpet/upholstery cleaner.  Thankfully I have some cleaner that I used and our microfiber couch doesn't seem to smell like pee.  I'm just a germophobe and the thought of pee left somewhere grosses me out. 

I am very proud of Blue Rock. He has done much better than I thought.  Everyday he has only had 1-2 accidents since we started.  My plan is to everyday let him try pants and/or underwear. I'd like him to always wear something on his bottom but he has an embarrassed look on his face when he doesn't make it to the potty wearing undies.  So, for the most part, we'll probably stick to bare-bottoms while home, at least for a little while longer.  He does very well with that has had 100% success rate when being bare-bottomed.  I think he's officially potty training and definitely knows how to use the potty.  We are no longer using day-time diapers, not even when we run errands.  However, we are going to keep using them at night, at least for a while.  For one, he's still in a crib, yes, we have a toddler car bed, very cool, that he slept in for a while, but after a while, he wanted to sleep back in his crib.  He's happy, we're happy, and he sleeps 11.5-13 hours per night.  When we travel he sleeps in a regular bed.  Every morning I ask him where we go poo and pee.  He says, "poopoo and peepee go in the potty."  Then if I have to run downstairs to do laundry or something I ask him again and usually while I'm gone he uses his potty.

Here's our potty training set-up.  We have a tall house, 3 stories (4 if you include the basement) and only 2 bathrooms.  So we have a few portable potties.  I keep one in the living room, which we'll probably move to the bathroom.  And one upstairs on our top floor that has no bathroom.  We also have a little potty in the bathroom on our middle floor and a step-up potty to the toilet.  Blue Rock usually sits to pee but in public he likes to stand.  Sometimes he wants to stand at home but I usually ask him to sit.  I'm no longer asking him if he needs to go unless it's been a while or we're out in public or about to leave the house.  He has gotten very good at just going when he needs to go.  I hope this helps if you're about to start potty training your child.

Bozo's Grand Prize Game

Did you ever watch "The Bozo Show" on TV as a child? Occasionally, I saw it and the most memorable thing from the show was the "Grand Prize Game."  Six buckets were lined up and the lucky kids on the show got a chance to toss the balls in the buckets for a chance to win the grand prize!  What kid didn't want to play that game?

Blue Rock brought me his bag of plastic balls today and said, "I want to play with these."  I bought him a ball pit for his first birthday party and lots of balls to put in it.  Sadly, we don't get the ball pit out that often or the balls.  When he asked today to play with them, I thought, why not?!  In fact, we could play a game like Bozo's grand prize game. Except, we would be using only 4 buckets, rather than 6, and they are different sizes.  Blue Rock had a blast!  He even created some new ways to play, such as sitting down and standing directly over the bucket, as well as tossing the balls from a distance.

After playing this a while, I found that you can actually buy the "original" game from Amazon.  It's called: Rocket USA The Original Bozo Buckets Grand Prize Game. But for $30, I think we'll pass and just play with what we already have. =)

Fun with Salt and Pepper!

The following activity Blue Rock thought of completely on his own.  While I was getting ready this morning, Blue Rock decided to reach for the salt and pepper shakers.  Boy did he have fun!  He emptied both containers and spread the salt and pepper everywhere!

Where I found him, "innocently" sitting at his craft table holding the salt and pepper shakers

Where it started, in the kitchen

While I was scoping out the mess, Blue Rock plays with his trains in it

Fun with shapes!

Not good

After it was all cleaned up, he decided to lay on the coffee table

Empty salt and pepper shakers

Our 2 year old is starting to read

Blue Rock loves books.  We have been reading to him since the day we brought him home from the hospital.  A nurse gave me some advice, she said, "when you are feeding him, read to him."  I did this quite a bit, but only during daytime feedings.  Now we typically read to him 30 min. to an hour a day.  

There are a number of books Blue Rock has memorized.  The ones I can think of off the top of my head are: Are You My Mother?; Goodnight Moon; Old Hat New Hat; Goodnight Gorilla; and Bless Me.  He actually "read" Are You My Mother to my step-mother when we were in Texas a few months ago.  She was quite impressed as he was very dramatic as he read.

Blue Rock is starting to sound out words and he knows quite a few.  However, he doesn't usually see a word and tell us what it is unless it's his name, which he knows very well.  Numbers and letters are a different story.  He started pointing out letters when he was 17 months old.  We first noticed this when we went to dinner in Mannheim one evening and he was pointing and saying the letters on random signs.  Last night was different.  While we were eating dinner, Blue Rock read his first word, out of context, that was not his name.  He seems to know a lot of words but usually tells us them when we're reading a book.  Or if he sees his name written somewhere, he is quick to point it out.  Last night was different.  He noticed one of his trucks on the floor near the wall.  He said, "I would like that cat, please."  My husband and I looked at each other then looked to where he was looking to see if his stuffed cat was over there.  There was only one thing, his Caterpillar truck that says, "CAT" on the back, which was facing the table.  It was solely lying on the floor near the wall.  Neither my husband nor I have ever called one of his trucks a cat or caterpillar and he knows what a truck and a cat are.  He also usually calls his trucks, trucks.  We were both amazed.  Reading is such an important part of life and we are glad he loves books and learning.

Blue Rock and his CAT