Tuesday evening, we found out we lost the baby. We're heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken. =( I never in a million years would have thought this would happen. Having a miscarriage in Germany has made things a little more difficult since we're so far away from family. Thankfully, my husband is wonderful and I have some very precious friends here. And I am so grateful to live in the time of internet and Skype. It's not the same as being with someone in person but it helps.
Last Saturday when I started bleeding I was actually in a little bit of denial that something was truly wrong. I went on to my friend's baby shower, then went by the grocery store and came home. That night we went to another friend's birthday party. However, the bleeding continued and Sunday morning I woke up very worried. I was worried Saturday but after reading A LOT about bleeding during pregnancy I read that is can be pretty common. I was spotting and had some cramping - which I never had with my son - but I honestly thought I would be okay.
We found out we were pregnant July 31, 2011. My husband and I were so excited about having another child. It was so hard to keep the exciting news a secret. Since we're coming home in a few weeks, we decided we would wait and surprise everyone in person. I bought two shirts for my son that say, "I'm a big brother" and pajamas that say the same. We were planning on cooking out with my family and we would let our son tell everyone. He has been practicing saying, "I'm going to be a BIG brother!" and is so cute when he says it. Sunday morning after going to the hospital we decided we needed prayers more than we needed to surprise anyone. I was truly hopeful that I would be one of the lucky ones whose baby would make it.
Monday morning when we went to the doctor we found out the baby had gone from 5mm to 3mm. My husband described it to me as the baby went from looking round like a grape to looking more like a raisin. How depressing! My doctor wanted me to come in Friday and have a D&C done if things didn't look better. I had no idea what a D&C was and after reading about it I decided I didn't want that done, especially since the sac was still there. We could see it in the ultrasound. This same doctor told one of my friends the same thing, he told her he thought she was having a miscarriage and to come back in a week and have a D&C done. Well, a week went by and she came in and there was a heartbeat. She just had her baby a few weeks ago and he is healthy and precious. So I continued hoping that this would be the case for us as well.
Tuesday I went in for a second opinion. I went to my old doctor I saw when I was pregnant with my son. One thing I didn't like about my new doctor is he never drew blood to check my hGC levels and he didn't think he needed to give me the RhoGAM shot even though I have rh-negative blood. Even the midwife at the hospital Sunday wanted to give it to me. When she called my new doctor he said he'd give it to me in his office - which he didn't do. When I saw my old doctor on Tuesday she said the positives far outweigh the negatives and gave me the shot herself. I haven't really seen many nurses in Germany like I do in the U.S. The doctors tend to do a lot of the work - shots, ultrasounds, etc. Anyway, I got in with her Tuesday evening. I feel so blessed to have such great neighbors, they watched our son so I could meet my husband at the doctor's office as he came straight from work. They even cooked dinner for us (we eat with them about once a week anyway). My doctor did a vaginal ultrasound and the baby's sac was gone. I am in tears as I write this, I am just so sad and sick that it didn't work out. What I don't understand is why? Why did I even get pregnant only to miscarry? Why is it we go so many years not trying to get pregnant and then when we're fully ready and want a child it doesn't work out? What irony! I know I'm not the only woman in the world to question this. I know God has a plan and it's got to be bigger than mine. I just don't understand it.
Yesterday morning I told my son we lost the baby. He said, "we lost the baby" and seemed sad. I don't know how much he understands but with life and death I like complete honesty. Blue Rock has been such a comfort to me and I think I'm appreciating him even more. At least I have one handsome, smart, and sweet child. To God I am very grateful. After my mother died when I was 11, I lived with some level denial for years. A part of me kept hoping that it didn't really happen and one day she would walk through the front door and come home. I don't want to live like that anymore. So as hard as it is for me to share this, I think it's important for me. Everyone grieves differently. My husband worried about sharing his thoughts with me because we view things a little differently and I told him I appreciated him sharing his feelings with me. Frankly, I need love poured on me during this time. Normally I tend to be more independent and don't reach out for help. I am all too good at pretending things are okay. I don't know if it's just living in Germany and being away from my normal environment, but I have now learned how to ask for help and am able to face life for what it is.
I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone. A sweet, dear friend of mine shared a prayer her sister said to her when she lost her baby. She said she was praying that God was welcoming our baby into heaven with open arms. Thinking about my child in Heaven brings a lot of comfort to me. I am saddened at how many people have had this happen to them. I am also thankful for friends and family. I have appreciated the calls, messages, and emails. As sad as I am for everyone who has also lost a baby, I am comforted that I am not alone in this. I kept thinking something must be wrong with me but from what the doctor said, he doesn't think so. I am trying to lean on God through this and am taking it day by day.
The one song that keeps coming to mind is called "Blessed Be Your Name." We sing this song at church sometimes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du0il6d-DAk It talks about going through good times and bad but we will choose to always say "blessed be Your name." God never promised us that life would be easy. No, He tells us in His word to expect trials and hardships. I want to say thank you for praying for us, thank you for sharing your stories with us. Sometimes knowing we're not alone in this is one of the biggest comforts of all. We love you and appreciate you.
Here are a few verses that have brought some comfort to me. May we find comfort in God our Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
1 Peter 5:10 ESV
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
James 1:12 ESV
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
Romans 12:12 ESV
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
John 16:33 ESV
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
Romans 5:3-5 ESV
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Philippians 4:6-7 ESV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.