Another great loss

I just couldn't get myself to write yesterday.  I was starting to wish I hadn't shared what I did the day before so I could take my hurt and bury it and try to hide my hurt and pain from everyone.

The news was not good.  I had another miscarriage.  This is not the first time my prayers have not been answered by God the way I had wanted.  When I was 11 and my mother died suddenly was the first time I felt a pain similar to this.  The other most recent time was two months ago when I experienced my first miscarriage.  I have to wonder, why did I get pregnant in the first place only to lose the baby?

This miscarriage was different from the last.  The majority of it happened all at once rather than slowly over a week.  Thursday night as I was about to go to sleep I had what felt like labor pains.  I know this because I have been in labor and praise God I have once child.  I could not sleep, lay down, or stand.  It was horrible!  I continued to bleed, a lot.  This went on for a while and it was a mess.  It's a very lonely feeling.  I just kept wishing I could go stay with my grandmother, who is now in an assisted living center, so really wishing I could be with her 10 years ago.  She was always the kindest and most caring person to me.  Sometimes we just need a mom, which I don't really have.  As a child, when I was sick I always wanted to stay with her as she was the best nurse.  Anyway, Thursday night I knew the baby wasn't going to make it.

Friday morning my husband called my doctor's office.  His German is better than mine.  My hGC levels were 834 which is too low for 6 weeks, so the baby appeared to be underdeveloped.  Friday morning I kept some of the tissue and took it to my doctor.  That's another big downside to having a miscarriage as I am not a medical person and frankly feel pretty nauseous when I see a lot of blood or someone hurt.  My doctor said it looked like that was part of my baby and was going to send it to the lab to hopefully find something out.  The only positive of this is that it looks like my baby was underdeveloped and not ectopic, which is somewhat of a relief.  So there's evidence right there that God is watching out for me as I would rather it be this way then have to have surgery to remove the baby.  She told me if the cramping doesn't stop then I need to go to the hospital this weekend and have surgery.  Thankfully the camping has pretty much ceased, I'm just very sore and feel like I've had a baby.  As long as I'm sitting I feel pretty good, it's standing and walking that hurts.

This whole thing has been very sad.  Ironically on Wednesday before I knew my pregnancy was endangered, I bought Natalie Grant's song, "Held."  This verse really stands out to me:

"To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling"

As I'm trying to find comfort during this, I am glad that since this had to happen that it happened sooner rather than later.  Ladies (and men), who have lost a child, I am deeply sorry.  I don't know how you deal with losing a child later on or giving birth and losing the baby shortly after or frankly anytime, no matter what the age.

While I don't know why I had another miscarriage I am going to continue to trust God who let his Son, Jesus, die on the cross for our sins (John 3:16).  I'm also going to continue to remind myself that this life is not meant to be Heaven, that is the next life.  And Romans 8:28: We know that in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.  At this point I'm not sure whether or not I will be able to have another child.  I sure hope I can.  But if not, I know God ultimately has a plan for me and my family.  Thank you for your prayers.